Love's labour lost??? an answer most difficult to find.
To Shoot the Moon...
This piece comes at a time when my mind is still battling strange wars, wars with itself. I cared a little, for myself. What the world showed me came after what I had planned and then I experienced. I experienced little-huge things in life. I learnt how to make relationships work. Tears rolled. I forced my cheek to smile. I tried to bring my dimple out. I had myself to hug.
I planned to construct my life with certain essential things, things that cannot be done away with. My biggest test came in November amidst another. The very thought left me grounded with fear. Strange things happened that month. My plan looked like it would hit a concrete wall. Fear was fighting to take control. I had doubts whether my ability would take me through. I realized my strengths, my weaknesses. A dangerous little sign signaled something that I would find difficult to manage. Why would such a thing called ‘fear of failure’ haunt someone? Why can’t the ‘power of confidence’ fight against all odds? On an individualistic basis, I left the two to themselves for a night. Surprisingly, I woke up to feel a fresh sense of sanity within me. I quickly realized I went through a day of nightmare. ‘Take it as it comes, care a ….. what the other says. I’m in it.’ And now I see what I went through. Did it work? My mind halted at this very question, doesn’t seem to find any answer.
Within a blink of an eye the month passed. How did it? I Planned. I experienced.
Four people influenced me so much. I learnt a lot…
My dad, over the years, has built an image for himself, an image of great respect. Character I should say. When I went to his office where he worked for twenty long years, years which were responsible for his character, I had every tear visible on my cheek. From the gatekeeper to the director, from the canteen boy to the librarian, the driver, the toilet cleaner, each one recognized. It was not just recognizing but it was respect. What exactly does it take to become noticed by so many in such a large organization? It was then I felt the need to respect one’s job, one’s devotion to work, the courage to do what the mind says. Never force a bud open. It has to blossom, the petals need to hug the air. It is then the beauty of the flower sustains. I taught myself so much.
My brother’s marriage was an occasion of great joy, an occasion where I witnessed unbelievable things. My mom, hiding all her pain, scripted the wedding with finesse. How to go about burying fears and make things count was what my mom taught me.
My sister is the most beautiful girl ever. I can never really describe how much I learnt from her. She is simply the best.
My brother is the most bizarre person in my family. In the sense that he is more like Howard Roark, few may support his style of thinking and few may not. I’m one of those who do. His thinking is point-perfect, his approach is fantastic. It solved so many of my problems. Strange it may sound. I’ve seen him scold me, I feared he has no love but as they say it is out of love such things happen.
These people force me to say something I can’t.
My jeeju, my bhabi and my little nephew have provided unlimited support. Atleast their love towards me has strengthened my will to learn.
Now, after so much of a learning experience, I intend to plan and hope for the best.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS:
A feeling of ‘blighting me’ strikes my mind for reasons so solid that situations loom before my eyes. Friends tend to be forgotten especially by people like me. Something says, “Sorry bloke, you find no excuse.” I get immersed in emotional thoughts trying to comfort myself in all the love my family showed me. But friends do form a part of this family, don’t they? Friends who helped me make my brother’s wedding card (V for Varun), always at his artistic best; friends who couldn’t make it to wedding but kept in touch through mobile (deepthi), at her sweetest best; friends who could make it but sadly found time sitting alone (shyamala), at her silent best; those who stay close to my house and provided every support (Karthik, Vinay), I can never find a perfect form of thanking the two of you. To my friends Sridhar and RaviThej, thanks guys! Akshaya kept in touch each day asking me how things went. I still fall short of what I intend to say to each one of you.
I thank the earth for it has only one moon. Given the right foundation, the right importance as a person, the right company of friends, the right mind to do whatever comes along the path of life, shooting that only moon becomes possible.
I'm not done yet...Please remember me!!!
